Overused Words You Should and Shouldn’t Delete

overused-words

If you spend some time in writer critique circles, I’m sure you’ve heard the well-intended advice to delete words “that” or “was” from your writing. I’m here to clarify when you should, and when you SHOULDN’T, delete these words.

Once you’ve read the lesson, I’ve got a master list of commonly overused words for you to refer to while revising.

Delete “that”

Sometimes a sentence needs the word “that” in order to be read correctly. For example:

He knew from the way I carried myself and the name tag I had been
wearing my father is mayor.

The sentence above reads like a run-on without the word “that.” It reads better like this:

He knew from the way I carried myself and the name tag I had been
wearing that my father is mayor.

Don’t delete “that” from sentences which use a “from” or “by” to describe how a person learns something. The “by” or “from” signifies how, and the “that” signifies what was learned.

If you delete the “that,” use punctuation to allow the reader time to switch from how to what:

You can tell by the way I use my walk,
I’m a woman’s man: no time to talk.

In most cases, I agree that “that” should be removed from sentences. 😉

But before deleting all instances, consider readability and meaning of the sentence with and without the word. “That” can be a symptom of wordiness, but it isn’t the problem. Sometimes clarity requires more words.

Delete “was” or “is”

The being words aren’t the problem. The problems are passive voice and incorrectly using “-ing” words. First, passive voice.

How to find passive voice

Passive voice is a verb with a “to be” helper verb (is/am/are/was/were/have been) in front of it and an -ed or -en ending. Here are some examples:

  • is forbidden
  • am bitten
  • are captured
  • was eaten
  • were smooched
  • have been made

How to fix passive voice

To fix passive voice, you need to find the true subject. Read the sentence and ask “by whom or what?” The answer to that question is the true subject.

  • Peanut butter is forbidden [by the PTA] —> THE PTA forbids peanut butter.
  • I am bitten [by my vampire boyfriend] —> MY VAMPIRE BOYFRIEND bit me.
  • Rebels are captured by the Empire —> THE EMPIRE captured rebels.
  • Spaghetti was eaten [by all] —> WE ALL ate the spaghetti.
  • Our cheeks were smooched by Great Aunt Millie —> GREAT AUNT MILLIE smooched our cheeks.
  • Mistakes have been made [by the administration] —> THE ADMINISTRATION made mistakes.

Should you fix passive voice?

Generally yes. Active verbs are stronger than passive verbs. Passivity is considered negative and weak.

However, sometimes passive voice is necessary. Sometimes the true subject needs to stay hidden (for suspense) or is unknown. Sometimes the object is more important than the true subject. This is especially true when the subject is a victim.

Do search for passive voice, but understand when to make it active and when to keep it positive.

What isn’t passive voice? Tricky -ed Adjectives

Being verbs are used as auxiliary verbs—helpers to other verbs, as in the case of passive or perfect voice—or as linking verbs, when they link the subject to a noun or adjective.

“He is happy” is pretty obviously not passive voice because “happy” isn’t a verb. But what about “He is excited”? Sure, you can ask “by whom or what” here, because you can be excited by something. Excite is a verb. But excited is also an adjective. So are pleased, confused, thrilled, delighted, flattered

Check the dictionary to see if the word is an adjective, and remember the rule about passive voice: Sometimes the object is more important than the true subject. In the case of linking verbs and adjectives, the character whom the adjective describes is usually more important than whatever is causing the effect.

Read more about linking verbs below, and the problems people have with them, too.

Delete “was” (also “-ing” verbs or “gerunds”)

Nearly every time I see someone online advising writers to cut “ing verbs,” that person doesn’t understand what a progressive verb is. And if those bloggers don’t know what a progressive verb is, they certainly don’t know what gerunds or active participial phrases are.

gerund is an “ing” word used as a noun. For example, Singing annoys Kristina—”Singing” there is a noun, because you could replace it with “Steve” or “fish” or “politics” and it would still make grammatical sense.

progressive verb is a verb with an -ing ending and a “to be” helper verb (is/am/are/was/were/has been/have been/will be/would be/will have been/would have been…) in front of it. The girl was singing— “was singing” is a progressive verb.

An active participial phrase is an “ing” word used as an adjective, often as part of a larger adjectival phrase. Singing loudly, the girl was annoying Kristina—”singing loudly” is an adjectival phrase talking about the girl, and “was annoying” is the verb, the action she is performing.

Getting -ing Verbs Right

Progressive verbs are sometimes used incorrectly. The key word is “progressive.” A progressive verb shows an action happening continually or at the same time as something else:

I was washing my face when Harold burst into the bathroom.

This sentence shows a progressive action. Changing that to this…

I washed my face when Harold burst into the bathroom.

…changes the meaning of the sentence. (Why did his bursting into the room cause me to wash my face?)

Progressive verbs often are used correctly.

However, if you’re throwing in progressive verbs for no reason, you can cut the “is/am/are/was/were” and “-ing” to create a simpler, less wordy verb. Chances are, that verb could be stronger, and in some works, that word count could be better spent elsewhere.

Barbara is eating a sandwich when Doug takes the dog for a walk.

Rather than put the focus on the act of Barbara’s continual eating, focus on something more important, like what about the sandwich was so remarkable it had to be included in the story.

Barbara savors her cheesesteak as if it were her last meal. Nauseated by the stench of her onions, Doug takes the dog for a walk.

Getting -ing Adjectives and Adjective Phrases Right

First, make sure the adjective is attached to the right noun.

Considering Nigel’s allergies, the cat needed to find another home.

That’s a misplaced modifier. The cat isn’t considering Nigel’s allergies; the narrator is. This is correct:

Considering Nigel’s allergies, I needed to find the cat another home.

So what’s wrong with -ing words? Not knowing how and when to use them.

Now you know.

Bonus: Linking Verbs = Telling

You’ll see below that linking verbs (e.g. am, are, be, is, was, were, will) are included on the overused words list.

Again, linking verbs are fine in moderation.

A linking verb creates an equation, telling you more about a subject. This = This.

Ronald is mad.

Eliza is a gravedigger.

These sentences aren’t bad. Sometimes less is more, and sometimes summary is necessary. Showing isn’t always better than telling—you should only show that which is remarkable enough to be remarked upon. If Eliza’s a background character, and her occupation doesn’t affect the plot of your story, then I don’t want a scene of her digging up graves. Actually, I could see that being thrown in for comedic effect or foreshadowing, but that’s beside the point. Showing too much can be just as much of a problem as telling too much. Use linking verbs sparingly and intentionally.

Bonus: Expletive sentences are passive.

Grammatically, “expletives” are filler words. Expletive sentences are ones that start with “it” or “there” and a linking verb. In expletive sentences, the “it” and “there” are abstract and veil the true subject. The second sentence here is not an expletive: “The tiger’s ears twitched. It was listening.” We know what “it” is—it’s the tiger.

This is an expletive:

It was scary to think about his mother dying.

Compare that with this:

His mother dying was scary to think about.

Both use linking verbs to tell us something. The latter is stronger because it has a concrete subject. You can get rid of the linking verb entirely if you’re willing to change subjects:

Thinking about his mother dying scared him.
(telling)

Whenever Yuri thought about his mother, his eye twitched involuntarily.
(showing)

Janet reached for Yuri’s hand. “That was Mercy Hospital. Your mother is ill.”
Yuri tensed. How did she get this number?
“I have some P.T.O. saved up. We could—”
“Save it for the funeral.” Yuri pulled his cuffs down to his wrist. “Let’s go catch a movie.”
(showing through internal dialogue and subtext. The reader has to interpret this scene. Is Yuri scared here? Maybe not. Maybe apprehensive, nervous… the reader will provide a complex emotion based on their own experiences.)

Expletive sentences are fine in moderation. We use them all the time in natural conversation. You’ll find plenty reading my blog. You’ll find them in literary and commercial fiction.

But do be aware of what they are and how to revise them. Ask “What was/is?” at the end of each expletive to find a clearer subject. Consider how you can show rather than tell. Remember, showing in fiction isn’t just visual, it’s experiential. How can you show by movement, touch, taste, smell, texture, sound, temperature, body language, weather, or appearance?

Note that expletives might use the following instead of a “to be” verb:

  • does
  • did
  • feel
  • seem

For example: “There seems to have been a misunderstanding.” or “It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to understand.”

The point of an expletive is that “it” or “there” is hiding, rather than referring to, the subject of the sentence.


 Commonly Overused Words

These are words I see repeated in manuscripts pretty frequently, combined with Lana’s Watch Word list. Check out her guest post to see how she uses her list to revise her own works.

You are free to use and share this list for educational, non-profit purposes! You must, however, give credit and the link to this post. You may not use this list for commercial gain.

Note: look for different forms of the words below. Tense (past, present, perfect, progressive) and person (first, second, third) will affect the word endings. The most common variations are -ing, -s, and -ed suffixes.

Adverbs / Prepositions—Adverbs are FINE. But these adverbs and prepositions are frequent pet words in manuscripts. Use in moderation.

-ly, A lot, Again, Almost, At least, Back, Even, Instead, Just, Like, Of Course, Over, Really, So, Then, Toward, Very, Which

Signs of Weak Verbs—can you make the verb stronger or more specific? Do you want to?

Be, Is, Had, Has, Make, Was, Were, Would,
It does/is/was/will/would/had,
There are/do/does/is/was/were/will/would/had

Signs of Wordiness—cut if you can, or split up the sentence. 

And, As, Began/Begin, Going, Start, That, Try/Tried

Repeated Descriptions / Actions—use in moderation. Authors tend to overuse one of these and ignore other possible descriptions or actions.

Breath, Brow/Eyebrow, Eye, Gasp, Hair, Head, Laugh, Shake/Shook, Shrug, Sit/Sat down, Smile, Smirk, Sneer, Stand/Stood, Stomach, Turn

Repeated Pronouns—make sure the antecedent (the word these refer to) is clear

It, One, of Them, of Us, There, They

Filtering Language—Removing will allow the reader to experience firsthand rather than secondhand (Read more)

Feel/Felt, Glance, Hear, Know, Look, Realize, Recognize, Remember, Saw, See, Seem, Think/Thought

Overused by Characters / Narrator—Again, fine in moderation but distracting when used frequently. Watch sentence beginnings, especially

And, But, Like, OK/Okay, So, Well, [Other Characters’ Names]

Full List

-ly
A lot
Again
Almost
And
As
At least
Back
Be
Began/Begin
Breath(e)
Brow/eyebrow
. But
Even

Eye
Feel/Felt
Gasp
Glance

Going
Had
Hair
Has
Head

Hear
Instead
Is

It
It is (does/was/will/would/had)

Just
Know
Laugh
Like
Look
Of Course
Of them
OK/okay
One
Over
Really
Realize
Recognize
Remember

Saw/See
Seem
Shake/Shook
Shrug
Sit down/Sat down

Smile
Smirk
Sneer

So

Stand/Stood up
Start

Stomach
That
Then
There is (are/do/does/was/were/will be/would/had)

Think/Thought
Toward
Try/Tried
Turn
Very
Was
Well
Were

Which
Would

 

Query #3 August 2014

querylara

Below is the third public query critique I’m offering up on the blog. This will happen once a month (as long as I get a response). I choose one query per month. If your query is not selected one month, it will be in the drawing for the next month. Please do not resubmit unless you’ve made significant edits. To enter, see the rules here. If you want a guaranteed critique (plus line edit) of your query or synopsis, private ones cost $35 each.

Dear Lara Willard,

Just a note, when I received this query, half was double-spaced Times New Roman, and half was in single-spaced Arial. Make sure to paste without formatting when querying agents, so that the entire query appears the same.

I am submitting for your consideration BOOK TITLE, a 78,000-word YA Fantasy that will appeal to fans of Kristin Cashore’s GracelingGRACELING and Tamora Pierce’s Song of The LionessSONG OF THE LIONESS series.

Titles need to be in all-caps. Also, you need to mention up here that it is a retelling of Alice in Wonderland, and what makes it different from the original. P.S. Did you know that [your title] is the name of an Anime? 

Seventeen-year-old Alice never considered herself the suicidal type. Good hook That is until she finds herself trapped between the men who killed her mother,[no comma] and a five-hundred500-foot drop. Rather than face the killers’ dark plans for her, Alice jumps. Of course the killers have dark plans for her. This is unnecessary. But instead of death, Alice wakes up in a blood-soaked battlefield, where men in armour are slaughtering peasants. This is awkward grammatically. Change it to “instead of dying” or “Expecting death” or “Surprised to be alive”… Terrified, she flees and encounters a seer who believes she is destined to save this unfamiliar world from the evil queen,[no comma] and the tyranny of her army.

You have three sentences in a row that start with similar constructions:
“Instead of death, Alice…”
“Terrified, she…”
“Disguised as a man, Alice…”

If you fix the first one, they will all begin with participial phrases. Having one is fine. Two is pushing it, and three is too much. Three right in a row tells me you haven’t read this aloud, because while I read it (even in my head), I keep accelerating, then stopping, accelerating, stopping, and so forth. Participial phrases are less important than the main clause, but when they are set apart at the beginning of the sentence, the reader is forced to look at them. Participial phrases are like bridesmaids. They aren’t as important as the bride, the main clause. Bridesmaids need to be discreet. If they are jumping up and down and pointing at the bride, screaming (“Look at my friend the bride! Isn’t she important?”), we aren’t looking at the bride, we’re getting distracted by the bridesmaid. You can fix this my changing the first sentence to “Alice thought she’d die. Instead, she wakes up…” and the third sentence to “Alice disguises herself as a man to…[why is she disguising herself as a man?]”

Disguised as a man, [see above] Not only must Alice must survive the war between the queen and rebels, and she also has to evade the flesh-eating monsters stalking Wonderland. This is the first time you mention Wonderland. This is why you need to say it’s a retelling at the beginning, otherwise this transition will be lost. You don’t want the agent reading along and then all of a sudden going, “Oh, so this IS a retelling of Alice in Wonderland,” in the last sentence. Her growing lust for vengeance makes her determined this is passive. Say “determines her” to find her way home. As Wonderland falls into chaos, Alice discovers slaying monsters might have its price–being hailed as a hero–or becoming a monster herself. You had me up until this point, but this is where you lose me. Not my interest, just my understanding. I had to reread it because I didn’t understand how being hailed as a hero could be a “price” for slaying monsters. It sounds like the opposite to me—it sounds like a reward. Simplify. And I’m guessing that her lust for vengeance starts to grow after she starts slaying monsters. If so, combine the sentences and put them in the right order: “As Wonderland falls into chaos, Alice discovers that slaying monsters has its rewards, but it also has a price. When her lust for vengeance grows, she’s determined to find her way home before she becomes a monster herself.”

I’m an accounting graduate who won several writing competitions in the past. You should list these. Otherwise it doesn’t sound legitimate. I’m also a book blogger on young adult fiction. Include your blog under your signature.

As per your submission guidelines, xx pages are pasted  below. [find/replace double spaces]

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

[Redacted]

This looks like a great story! The problem is, it’s been told before.However, if you state at the top that it’s a retelling, you should also in a couple of words describe how it’s different. “YOUR TITLE replaces the silliness of ALICE’S ADVENTURES IN WONDERLAND and ages it for more mature YA readers”—something like that. It’s your story, you’ll figure it out.

Your query pitch suggests the emotional stakes and theme. Part one: she runs away from monsters. Part two: but then she learns to fight them. Part three: she may become one herself. I’d focus on that as your difference. For ALICE IN WONDERLAND, the strength is in its nonsense. What makes your novel better in its own way? Yours seems to have the armature of theme, and the inner conflict of a reluctant hero.

If you want to revise and resubmit, I’ll take another look at it.

Do let me (and the other readers) know if you get requests for partials or fulls so we can rejoice with you!

Readers, please share any additional feedback you have, but note that comments are moderated, and if you don’t have anything constructive to say, or if you’re playing the troll, your comment will be deleted.