The Kinds of Queries that Work, from Query Shark

querylara

Two queries on Query Shark I recommend every querying writer to read. They are #246 and #179.

From 246:

This works.

The first sentence catches my attention. The rest of the letter tells me who the main character is, what her problem is, who the antagonist is and what he wants, and what’s at stake.

If I took on YA novels, I’d ask for pages.

From 179:

Yes! This is exactly how to start a query. We know what Jessica wants, and who is trying to thwart her. 

At this point we know the characters, what they want, and have a sense of who they are. There’s nothing extra here, but also nothing left out.

If you take a look at all of the winning queries on Query Shark, they aren’t all the same. Because there is no formula for writing good query letters.

But there are ingredients common to successful queries: Character + Want + Change + Conflict + Stakes.

Start your query with whichever drives your novel most. (See my post on WATCh) If your character and/or world is truly exceptional, and his or her choices or that world drive the plot, start with the hook. If your plot is a chain reaction of cause and effect which started at the inciting incident, start your query there.

I’ve categorized some of the winning queries from Query Shark, so you get an idea which ones might be a better model for your own query:

Ones that begin with what the character wants: 179174261211 (Character stories and thematic “Answer” stories)

Ones that begin with the inciting incident: 255246236199192191175162123 (Time stories and external Answer stories)

Ones that begin with an exceptional character hook: 223217212,  172168120114 (World*)

*Note that even World-based queries need to start with character. A query needs someone for us to empathize with. Your first line might give us the hook, your next might give us the inciting incident or what that character wants.

Query #7 December 2014

querylara

Below is the seventh public query critique I’m offering up on the blog. This will happen once a month (as long as I get a response). I choose one query per month. If your query is not selected one month, it will be in the drawing for the next month. Please do not resubmit unless you’ve made significant edits. To enter, see the rules here. If you want a guaranteed critique (plus line edit) of your query or synopsis, private ones cost $35 each.

My comments are in blue below. To read the original query first, simply read the black text only.

Since you specialize in XXX, I thought you might be interested in my young adult fantasy, THE BITTERBLOODS, which contains elements of Snow White and the X-Men set in the 19th Century. This should be cut, since your query doesn’t bank on this premise. When I see “in the 19th Century” I’m picturing a real, historical 19th century setting: the Victorian era. And I’m not getting the X-men vibe at all in the following paragraphs. Just call this a “steampunk fantasy.”

In Swansea Is this your fantasy setting? Is it a city or kingdom or realm? Because it’s a city in Wales., persons with magical ability are called bitterbloods, and by the Queen’s imperial decree, they are hunted and executed without exception. Is this Queen Victoria, or a fantasy queen? Since you said it was set in the 19th century, I’m picturing a historical fantasy set in Wales.

Raised as a ward of the Crown, sixteen-year-old Sarabande would rather read a math book than play croquet or learn to waltz. Her bookish habits annoy her governess(comma) and her curiosity about bitterbloods occasionally gets her in trouble, but trouble is no worse than being sent to the Tower and having to miss royal balls and operas. This is a bit confusing. I’m not sure whether she feels like that is punishment or if she enjoys it. Just be clear. For example: “…gets her in trouble, but to her, missing royal balls and operas is more of a relief than punishment.” 

However, when Sarabande discovers she has the power to heal, the Queen orders her assassination. A few things. 1) “However” doesn’t work here. This sentence doesn’t contradict the previous. Just start with “When.” 2) The Queen doesn’t order Sarabande’s assassination when Sarabande discovers her power. What specifically happens to make the Queen aware of Sarabande’s power? What did Sarabande do? An unlikely ally comes in the form of  “An unlikely ally” is a cliche, but I worry more about the unnecessarily wordiness of this. Argan Blackstone, a boy who kills with a word just as Sarabande heals with a touch. Killing with a sword isn’t a power. Sarabande has a power, so he doesn’t kill “just as” she heals. Together with an ingenious inventor and his mechanical flying horse, they must uncover the secrets behind Sarabande’s new abilities to defeat the Queen and build a future for magic in Swansea.

THE BITTERBLOODS is complete at 84,000 words with series potential.

Thank you for considering my work.

Comparing this to Snow White doesn’t help you. First, I’ve seen A LOT of fairytale retellings being pitched this past year. Second, it seems like an excuse to have a flat antagonist Queen. Why would the queen want to kill a healer? Because she has a weird law against magic that dictates everything she does (like Uther in Merlin). What does Sarabande want? To survive? If she wants to survive, why doesn’t she run away? Why is it so important to defeat the queen? Why should she build a future for magic? We know why Merlin sticks around Camelot and won’t run away—Arthur. Merlin has to use magic to keep safe someone who can never see him use it. He has to break the law to save the one who lives by it. That’s a premise full of conflict and possibility.

Having cool powers / being bookish / being an introvert isn’t enough to make me like a character. What does Sarabande want? What does her story goal have to do with her being bookish and not liking royal parties? From the first paragraph, it seems that S’s motivation is to hide. So why doesn’t she revel in exile? What changes for her?

I need to know motivation, goal, and conflict. I’m getting hints of those here and there in this query, but none of them seem to fit together. Her motivation is to be alone so she can reach her goal of reading math books, but the queen wants her killed? That isn’t drama, it’s a disconnect.

Let’s say that the X-Men comparison does work for your novel. Then you start with Sarabande learning she has powers. Everything before that is setup. “When bookish Sarabande [does this], she [discovers she has a power]. And her guardian the Queen [has this motivation, so she wants Sarabande killed].” That’s conflict. Then give us Sarabande’s motivation and goal, which she probably discovers through her new friends, and show us obstacles (the queen’s response).

I need to see a clear C+O+G in this query.

I’m posting a guide to writing queries immediately after this post. Read the WATCh post, determine which kind of novel THE BITTERBLOODS is, and then read similar queries to get some ideas for your own. Then resubmit to me, and I’ll edit your revision.

Best of luck! Once you get this started in the right place, I think everything will fall into line nicely. You can do it!

My Favorite Things Blog Tour

favorite

I participated in the Meet my Main Character Blog Tour and introduced you all to Robin last summer. This winter, I’m participating in the Favorite Things Blog Tour, led by Kylie Betzner. Please see her posts to view the other participants in the tour.

For this blog tour, each writer shares the favorite character, scene, and quote from one of his or her novels. I’ll be sharing from WORLD SONG, the literary fantasy I’ll be querying into 2015.

blurb

Robin, Gareth, and Isolde Evans are old enough to know their music won’t get them anywhere.

Except it does. Now they’re in some alternate reality bordering on twelfth-century Wales, armed with only a cello, viola, and violin.

Back in Minnesota, Robin had a sidekick name, but he was a hero. (A professional one. The kind that does weekend birthday parties and bar mitzvahs.) In 1176, he’s finally got a chance to use his tactical skills on the field. If he can get his siblings safely back to 2009, he’ll prove he’s worthy of his rented cape.

But Isolde gets mistaken for a noble, and she’s carted off to be the next queen of wherever-they-are. And if her identity is revealed, she’ll be executed as an impostor. Robin vows to save his little sister from almost certain death or marriage.

favorite character

Robin is twenty-five, Gareth is twenty-one, and Isolde is seventeen. When I started writing WORLD SONG, Gareth was my favorite character. He was the comic relief, and man, did I love him for it.

Then I kept writing. And my characters who started out as ideas and personality types became more like people, like beautifully flawed human beings.

I like easy, and Gareth is an easy character to write. He’s likable, he’s fun. Gareth started out being basically the male version of me. A snarky geek who uses humor as a cover. Same taste in music and extracurriculars. But he’s grown into his own person. Underneath the goofball exterior, Gareth is more compassionate than I’ll ever be. And though Robin would hate to admit it, Gareth is definitely the wisest of the three.

As I kept writing, I learned more about Robin and Isolde, and I grew to love them for all their issues. Robin and Isolde have been deeply affected by their father’s disappearance when they were kids, and it shows. Neither of them ever learned how to cope in a healthy way. WORLD SONG is about these two, and it’s told from both of their POVs.

I think Isolde is my favorite character of the moment. She’s like Tom in 500 Days of Summer. She kind of loses it a few times, but I never stop rooting for her. Though her story is only half of WORLD SONG, she is the one who grows the most. (Robin, he takes a while longer.)

emma

favorite scene

My favorite scene is probably Isolde’s bath scene, but it’s full of spoilers, so here’s a short one that’s mostly dialogue. It features Gareth and Faye, the nineteen-year-old widow who takes the Evanses in once they land in the middle ages. I don’t want to give away where they are, or how they got there, so I’ll just plop you into the middle of the scene:

“You know, it is awful dark down here,” Gareth said, attempting to be charming. “Might . . . I don’t know . . . run into something accidentally.”

Faye felt a slight breeze. “Gareth, stop waving your hands about like an idiot.”

“But I can’t see anything. I’m trying to feel around for something.”

“Feel around for what? A wall? Or my skirts?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Whoops!” Gareth stumbled over something unseen, and caught his fall . . . on Faye, pulling her down with him. Again. “Oh dear, I’m sorry.”

“Touch me again,” she said, shoving him out of her lap, “and I’ll remove your fingers.”

“Accident. Seriously, won’t happen again.”

“No, it will not happen again.”

Never again, thought Gareth. Unless—“Unless . . . you ask me to,” he said.

“PARDON?”

“You know, ask me to . . . to touch you.” Gareth stuck a hand into his hair. “In a desperate situation—”

“No.”

“If you had somehow caught on fire, for example, and needed help. Needed someone to pat you down. Extinguish the flames.”

“Extinguish your own flame,” said Faye. “There will be no patting.”

“Right. Understood.” He blew the air out of his cheeks. “Okay then. How are we going to get out of here?”

favorite quote

It’s hard to find one quote I can pull out of context, but here’s a favorite:

“Yes, the stakes are high. I’m not saying you should tell him the truth. I’m saying vulnerability is a prerequisite in love.”

From Idea to Novel

A beautiful post from YA author Jackie Lea Sommers. Go follow her before her book comes out and she gets all kinds of famous.

Jackie Lea Sommers's avatarJACKIE LEA SOMMERS

Lighting a candleHow does an idea become a novel?

First, you throw away the match. Then you hold the idea in your hands like a flickering flame. You protect it and you breathe life into it: research, conversations, prayer.

You put flesh on it. That is, you create characters. You make them look like real people, broken and complicated, and you make them want things.

Then you look around and see where this idea is happening.  In space? In post-apocalyptic London? In a dollhouse? You open your fist and let your idea and your characters start to run around in this new terrarium. With any luck, they will make very bad decisions.

Then you write about it. Pen and paper, laptop, 1921 Woodstock typewriter, whatever you’ve got. Start putting the words down. They’ll be bad at first, but you’ll fix them later.

After 20 drafts or maybe 220, you take off your beret and…

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