Category: Query

Query #8 January 2015—Revised

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querylara

Below is the eighth public query critique I’m offering up on the blog. This will happen once a month (as long as I get a response). I choose one query per month. If your query is not selected one month, it will be in the drawing for the next month. Please do not resubmit unless you’ve made significant edits. To enter, see the rules here. If you want a guaranteed critique (plus line edit) of your query or synopsis, private ones cost $35 each.

My comments are in blue below. To read the original query first, simply read only the black text.

Revision 1

This revision is much improved! It’s short and concise. However, it could still be more precise.

Dear __,
 
In an age of social injustice, I’m not in love with “in a world” or “in an age” openers, but that’s personal. However, you could make this more specific. Are we in our world? Are we in a fictional one? Is this contemporary? Be specific to set the scene immediately. where the very rich and well connected have power, money and live above the law, one brilliant young man decides to even the playing field.  He steals millions from two of the world’s richest women in order to save his childhood love’s home from going into foreclosure. Cut the cliche “even the playing field.” How does he steal it, by hacking? Because “hacktivist” is more interesting and precise than “one brilliant young man.”
I’m querying you with [Title in italics], TITLE IN ALL CAPS is a 58,142-word 58,000-word thriller. Always round to the nearest thousand. Otherwise it suggests that not a single word of your text shall be altered.
 
Twenty-two year old Age isn’t necessary, and MIT student is more precise. We get he’s in his 20s if he’s a student there. Age is more important in MG and YA titles, in which case “-year-old” needs to be hyphenated as well. MIT student Gawain Hagadal is on the run from private detective Mia Enou. His crime is that he tried to help his friends and neighbors—not to mention Gwyneth, the only girl he’s ever loved. HeGawain imagines himself as a modern day twenty-first-century Robin Hood, taking from the rich women who received a bailout from the Federal Reserve and giving to the poor. The poor, or the “more deserving,” or simply “his friends”? I doubt his buddies fall below poverty level. Be precise. That fantasy ended ends the minute Gwyneth tells him that she would never love him. I’d like a transition here. Something that brings it back to him being pursued. Unfortunately, Mia Enou isn’t the only private detective on his tracks.  Instead of promising justice like EnouWhile Enou promises justice for the theft, Bryden Sleeper, a man without a conscience[comma] vows to bring Gawain down dead or alive, regardless of motive (something clearer here to show that he doesn’t have a conscience, either that he doesn’t care about Gawain’s intentions, or that he will do anything for a price, and his rich employers are promising stacks of cash.) Gawain finds himself in a fight for his life“finds himself” is passive, and “a fight for his life” is a cliche. Start the sentence here: as he tries to rationalize a life without Gwyneth and comes to terms with the crime he’s committed[comma] [now say what Gawain is actually doing, not what is happening to him]. He is the last hope for his family; [em dash] his father is out of work[comma] and his older brother suffers from PTSD. Does his older brother need medication? Does his PTSD keep him from working? Will any more conflict drive him over the edge? Be specific, so we know why it’s relevant.  If he were caught, his own family will be worse off than the people he’s saved.
 
I am a native New Yorker who began writing in 2010 about politics, economics, and culture.  My articles have been featured in more than a dozen print and online publications. As a pundit I have been featured on multiple radio and television shows.   With a background in politics and culture and a love for thrillers, my book will be politically and culturally relevant. Much, much improved bio. Just cut the part about your book being relevant, because nobody knows what the world will be like by the time this would be published (~2 years from querying).
You’ve put a lot of work into this revision, and it’s looking great. It’s lost the weight—now it just needs a custom-fit wardrobe.

Original

 

Dear –,

First impression: This isn’t a query letter, it’s an essay. The body of your query is 355 words, and your bio is 280 words. Total, I want the query about 250 words, no more than 300 when you include your bio paragraph. Most of this edit will be cutting down. Even if the writing isn’t technically bad, every single word in a query needs to earn its keep.
In an age of social injustice, where the very rich and well connected have power, money, and live above the law, one brilliant young man seeks to right society’s wrongs. This sounds like every Robin Hood knockoff of the last seven hundred years. The point of the hook is to start with what makes your novel unique, unlike any other. This isn’t a hook, it’s set up. It’s well written, but it’s not effective as a hook. For example, Arrow is a superhero Robin Hood of the twenty-first century.
 
This is the [title in italics], a thriller with a historical fiction backdrop. This is unnecessary, and it’s also wordy. Thirteen words down to seven:[ALL CAPS title] is a contemporary thriller set after the 2008 recession. Because this is a thriller, I expect to be thrilled by your plot. The paragraphs below are more like a thematic exploration of a literary work than an attempt to get me interested in reading your thriller.
 
An MIT college senior named Gawain Hagadal, who comes from very humble blue-collar origins in Lynn, Massachusetts, I know you think the name is clever, and sure it is, but it’s not important in the query. The point of your query is not to show an agent how clever you are, it’s to get someone to want to read your writing. These are the kinds of things you put on your blog for fans, like a “Fun Facts” section. Because that’s what these tidbits are—fun. A query can be fun, but it ultimately needs to be functional. sees the aftermath of the 2008 financial crisis plaguing his neighbors and family, including a girl named the girl he loves, Gwyneth, with whom he’s been in love for years.  Distraught, Gawain decides to take justice in his own hands: He hacks the bank accounts of two women who received bailouts from the Federal Reserve and wires the money to the bank accounts of homeowners who are having their homes foreclosed upon. How is that justice? I feel more empathy for the women robbed than Gawain’s friends. This isn’t justice to me, unless you give me reason to empathize with Gawain’s friends and be upset that those women in particular got a bailout. The two women hire a private detective named Mia Enou, a strong woman of Italian and Japanese descent, to find the thief by any means necessary.
 
On its face, it’s an entertaining historical novel and thriller with a basic Robin Hood premise, dealing with complicated characters who are suffering from real world events: the recession, family members’ jobs being outsourced, military men coming back from Iraq, and the trappings of growing up in a less secure world.  Also ever-present are identifiable human relations issues regarding love, relationships, family, finding your place, and dealing with loss. Don’t editorialize. By that, I mean, stop giving a book report on your own novel and just tell the story. Make me care. Make me connect. Saying someone is lovable doesn’t make me love them. You need to show me. If you want to keep any of this, condense it and give me the story, first.
 
There is also an underlying philosophical question about pursuing truth at the sake of disturbing order.  The two main characters, Gawain Hagadal and Mia Enou, have their beliefs in their names.  Gawain Hagadal is an anagram for Gawain and Galahad, the two knights of King Arthur’s round table who pursued truth and were so pure of heart they were able to find the Holy Grail.  Mia Enou is an anagram for Eunomia, the Greek goddess of good moral order and governance according to good laws.  Pursing that connection – truth versus order – throughout the novel creates a clash, and it’s when they finally meet and confront each other, and their philosophies, that we get the denouement. Again, this isn’t a book report. Read “The Kinds of Queries that Work” and start again. Make Gawain empathetic. Give him a goal. Give him obstacles. Show us the conflict and the struggle. Tell us the story, don’t tell us about the story. Show me how Gawain pursues truth, and how Mia pursues justice, and how they clash.
I think you can keep some of your theme in your one-sentence hook. “[TITLE] is a contemporary thriller that pits a post-recession Robin Hood against a law-abiding PI more Veronica Mars than Sheriff of Nottingham.”
 
[Title] Titles need to be in ALL CAPS. Part of this is formatting, since italics don’t always transfer over. It’s also because your book is not published yet. It needs to earn those italics. is a completed at 58,142 words. Is a completed . . . what? It’s a complete contemporary thriller with a diverse cast of characters.
This is where a short bio goes, written in FIRST person. You have a very lengthy bio. The solution to that is to put that lengthy bio on your website, and include your website in your signature. If the agent wants to find out more about you, s/he will click on the link. Include a Twitter handle or other contact information as well. For the query, keep it short. How would you introduce yourself to an agent in real life? If you have a webpage with links to all of your published work, link to that as well.
Rules for the bio paragraph: Keep it short, keep it simple, keep it relevant.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
 
[name]
[280-word biography]
Rewrite, resubmit, and I’ll look at it again.

8 Query Tips No One Tells Writers

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Literary agent Carly Watters has practical advice for querying authors. Follow or bookmark her blog—she’s a great resource!

Carly Watters's avatarCarly Watters, Literary Agent

typing fadeoutThere is a bounty of query letter writing advice on the web. I’ve written about it before too: The Biggest Query Letter Mistake, and How To Format Your Query.

However, here are some tips you might not have heard yet that will set your querying strategy apart from the rest.

Querying in 2015? Read 8 Query Tips No One Tells Writers:

1. There are no second chances. Send a query letter with an agent’s name misspelled and resend 5 minutes later? You might already be written off. We get so many queries that we’re always looking for reasons to say no (even though we’re looking for gems!). Sometimes there are easy no’s.

2. If you say you’ve been published we assume that means traditional. And if you don’t share the publisher, year, and maybe some sales information we’ll assume you’re pulling our leg.

3. Telling agents you’ve self published…

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The Kinds of Queries that Work, from Query Shark

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querylara

Two queries on Query Shark I recommend every querying writer to read. They are #246 and #179.

From 246:

This works.

The first sentence catches my attention. The rest of the letter tells me who the main character is, what her problem is, who the antagonist is and what he wants, and what’s at stake.

If I took on YA novels, I’d ask for pages.

From 179:

Yes! This is exactly how to start a query. We know what Jessica wants, and who is trying to thwart her. 

…

At this point we know the characters, what they want, and have a sense of who they are. There’s nothing extra here, but also nothing left out.

If you take a look at all of the winning queries on Query Shark, they aren’t all the same. Because there is no formula for writing good query letters.

But there are ingredients common to successful queries: Character + Want + Change + Conflict + Stakes.

Start your query with whichever drives your novel most. (See my post on WATCh) If your character and/or world is truly exceptional, and his or her choices or that world drive the plot, start with the hook. If your plot is a chain reaction of cause and effect which started at the inciting incident, start your query there.

I’ve categorized some of the winning queries from Query Shark, so you get an idea which ones might be a better model for your own query:

Ones that begin with what the character wants: 179, 174, 261, 211 (Character stories and thematic “Answer” stories)

Ones that begin with the inciting incident: 255, 246, 236, 199, 192, 191, 175, 162, 123 (Time stories and external Answer stories)

Ones that begin with an exceptional character hook: 223, 217, 212,  172, 168, 120, 114 (World*)

*Note that even World-based queries need to start with character. A query needs someone for us to empathize with. Your first line might give us the hook, your next might give us the inciting incident or what that character wants.

Query #7 December 2014

3 Comments

querylara

Below is the seventh public query critique I’m offering up on the blog. This will happen once a month (as long as I get a response). I choose one query per month. If your query is not selected one month, it will be in the drawing for the next month. Please do not resubmit unless you’ve made significant edits. To enter, see the rules here. If you want a guaranteed critique (plus line edit) of your query or synopsis, private ones cost $35 each.

My comments are in blue below. To read the original query first, simply read the black text only.

Since you specialize in XXX, I thought you might be interested in my young adult fantasy, THE BITTERBLOODS, which contains elements of Snow White and the X-Men set in the 19th Century. This should be cut, since your query doesn’t bank on this premise. When I see “in the 19th Century” I’m picturing a real, historical 19th century setting: the Victorian era. And I’m not getting the X-men vibe at all in the following paragraphs. Just call this a “steampunk fantasy.”

In Swansea Is this your fantasy setting? Is it a city or kingdom or realm? Because it’s a city in Wales., persons with magical ability are called bitterbloods, and by the Queen’s imperial decree, they are hunted and executed without exception. Is this Queen Victoria, or a fantasy queen? Since you said it was set in the 19th century, I’m picturing a historical fantasy set in Wales.

Raised as a ward of the Crown, sixteen-year-old Sarabande would rather read a math book than play croquet or learn to waltz. Her bookish habits annoy her governess(comma) and her curiosity about bitterbloods occasionally gets her in trouble, but trouble is no worse than being sent to the Tower and having to miss royal balls and operas. This is a bit confusing. I’m not sure whether she feels like that is punishment or if she enjoys it. Just be clear. For example: “…gets her in trouble, but to her, missing royal balls and operas is more of a relief than punishment.” 

However, when Sarabande discovers she has the power to heal, the Queen orders her assassination. A few things. 1) “However” doesn’t work here. This sentence doesn’t contradict the previous. Just start with “When.” 2) The Queen doesn’t order Sarabande’s assassination when Sarabande discovers her power. What specifically happens to make the Queen aware of Sarabande’s power? What did Sarabande do? An unlikely ally comes in the form of  “An unlikely ally” is a cliche, but I worry more about the unnecessarily wordiness of this. Argan Blackstone, a boy who kills with a word just as Sarabande heals with a touch. Killing with a sword isn’t a power. Sarabande has a power, so he doesn’t kill “just as” she heals. Together with an ingenious inventor and his mechanical flying horse, they must uncover the secrets behind Sarabande’s new abilities to defeat the Queen and build a future for magic in Swansea.

THE BITTERBLOODS is complete at 84,000 words with series potential.

Thank you for considering my work.

Comparing this to Snow White doesn’t help you. First, I’ve seen A LOT of fairytale retellings being pitched this past year. Second, it seems like an excuse to have a flat antagonist Queen. Why would the queen want to kill a healer? Because she has a weird law against magic that dictates everything she does (like Uther in Merlin). What does Sarabande want? To survive? If she wants to survive, why doesn’t she run away? Why is it so important to defeat the queen? Why should she build a future for magic? We know why Merlin sticks around Camelot and won’t run away—Arthur. Merlin has to use magic to keep safe someone who can never see him use it. He has to break the law to save the one who lives by it. That’s a premise full of conflict and possibility.

Having cool powers / being bookish / being an introvert isn’t enough to make me like a character. What does Sarabande want? What does her story goal have to do with her being bookish and not liking royal parties? From the first paragraph, it seems that S’s motivation is to hide. So why doesn’t she revel in exile? What changes for her?

I need to know motivation, goal, and conflict. I’m getting hints of those here and there in this query, but none of them seem to fit together. Her motivation is to be alone so she can reach her goal of reading math books, but the queen wants her killed? That isn’t drama, it’s a disconnect.

Let’s say that the X-Men comparison does work for your novel. Then you start with Sarabande learning she has powers. Everything before that is setup. “When bookish Sarabande [does this], she [discovers she has a power]. And her guardian the Queen [has this motivation, so she wants Sarabande killed].” That’s conflict. Then give us Sarabande’s motivation and goal, which she probably discovers through her new friends, and show us obstacles (the queen’s response).

I need to see a clear C+O+G in this query.

I’m posting a guide to writing queries immediately after this post. Read the WATCh post, determine which kind of novel THE BITTERBLOODS is, and then read similar queries to get some ideas for your own. Then resubmit to me, and I’ll edit your revision.

Best of luck! Once you get this started in the right place, I think everything will fall into line nicely. You can do it!